Artistry

"I would love to touch somebody through my dance, it's my art, it's my voice." -Jessica (a contestant on So You Think You Can Dance 2008)

Wow, if that doesn't just sum it up, I don't know what does. Everything I (and all artists-visual, performance, or otherwise) work for is right there in those words. In the end it's not about the accolades (although they are nice), it's about what you give. Someone who doesn't perform will never understand that ultimately you give so much more than you ever get in return. Creating a character, singing a song in just the right way, getting the paint on the canvas exactly right-this takes more than 100%. But it's worth it when you see the smiles, the tears, the nods of understanding, and the glow of enlightenment in the faces of those who hear your voice.

Some people volunteer at soup kitchens. Some teach illiterate children. Some raise money for worthy causes. I walk onto a stage and occasionally burst into song. This is what I have to offer the world. You can feed the masses, teach them, and give them money. I hope through my passion and my art to give them a reason to take it and live.

Movin' On Up...

Tonight was my final bar training...I am officially a Chili's bartender. I arrive at this new, higher station in life with mixed feelings. I am super excited because there is the potential for a lot more money, and I am finally going to have a fixed schedule that frees up my nights and weekends. On the downside, this is as far as we go, friends. There are no more rungs on the restaurant ladder, unless I want to go into management (and ick, who wants to do that?!). I have in my hands a golden opportunity: the chance to make money, on my terms, on my chosen schedule, and in the meantime figure out what it is I want to do. Because God knows I don't want to bartend for the rest of my life. In fact, there's a lot of things I don't want to do. I need to start adding to the "want" side of the list. Which turns out is a lot easier said than done...

Gratitude 1

Just a quick "Thank you!" to all those who have offered help on formatting my blog and/or encouraged my random ramblings! You have all been helpful in many ways and I truly appreciate everything you have offered to me. Hugs, kisses, and lots of laughter are being sent your way via the internet :) Love and thanks, ...Nikki

Julie Andrews

I am reading Julie Andrew's memoir, "Home", which is thoroughly inspiring me to begin a disciplined approach to singing again. I was incredibly dedicated in high school and college-I didn't even sing to the radio without a proper warm up. I still have a great deal of training ingrained in my body, mind, and vocal cords, but I have definitely let many good habits slip. I must admit that I miss the daily routine of vocal warmups, tweaking songs and learning new ones. I continually tell myself that when "this" happens or "that" is taken care of I will get back into my routine. The things filed under "this" and "that" are replaced quicker than they are taken care of, and my happy little singing routine falls to the wayside.

Then today I read a passage that really spoke to me, reminded me why I worked so hard to begin with, and why, starting today, I will work twice as hard again. Julie's voice teacher (who she referred to as "Madame"-I love that!) said to her, "Julie, remember: the amateur works until he can get it right. The professional works until he cannot go wrong."

My new resolution: to be a professional, not just in singing, but in life.

It's Alright, Cause It's Midnight and I've Got 2 More Bottles of Wine

I've had a very long week, considering that I've mainly laid around the house with an infected lymph gland. I ended up looking like the elephant man for the majority of the week, then the first day I could open my jaw up wide enough to eat solid food I had to go back to work. My first thought was-God, is this real life? Four days of complete, pain-killer induced, parentally overseen rest then back to the grind? And no one is giving me a medal? What kind of world do we live in?

Perhaps I'm bitter because I worked two doubles in a row. In real-life-speak that means I worked two days of back to back shifts. Saturday was an 11 hour day with only a 25 minute break-all on my feet. No sitting, one meal, and an overabundance of barely legal co-workers. (It really wasn't as bad as I'm making it out to be, but I'm just totally over not having someone to come home to that says, "Honey, it must have been a hard day. You deserve a hug." Which of course would be followed by a hug.)

The last few months have really given me a lot to think about. I've celebrated (in a mild fashion) several important anniversaries. January 28: a year since I've moved home. February 6: a year since I've talked to Ben. March-ish: a year since I totaled my car and got the new one. May 21: a year working at Chili's. It feels like all the things that happened with Ben were so very long ago, but they are still so within reach. It's been a year. ONLY a year. I am constantly riding myself for not "getting over it", but jeez, I gotta give myself a little credit here. I know I have a long way to go before I am fully healed (and believe me, that is hard to admit because I want to just delete a lot of my memories and reboot), but for where I was a year ago, I'm doing pretty damn good. I thought I could come home and everything would just fix itself. I figured by now I would be, well, perfect. I'm not. And it was ridiculous to think that I would be. It's a fine line to ride-understanding how far you've come and how far you've yet to go.

Part of the healing process has simply been keeping busy. I started performing again, which for me was huge. I started making friends, working full time (after a fashion), going out, working out-creating a life of my own again. Part of that life needs to be balance. And balance includes working out my emotions over what happened with Ben, why it happened, and allowing myself to become okay with it all. Not just SAYING I'm okay, but really being okay. I have a tendency to simply overwhelm my life with distractions so that I don't have to think about what's really bothering me. Well, stuff still bothers me. You know what? It's all right. Cuz it's midnight. And I've got two more bottles of wine.