Friendship

Friendship was so easy when we were in high school and college. 99% of our friends were right there all day, every day. So those first 18 years of learning to be a good friend (and yes, there was A LOT of learning, for all of us!), while valuable, just didn't prepare any of us for friendship outside protected walls. I know I can't be the only one who has spent her young adult life learning how to be a long-distance friend, the difference between a friend and an acquaintance, what happens when you get you first REAL boyfriend or girlfriend...and how that affects all the other friendships in your life. We betray our friends in more grown up ways, but we love them more maturely, too. We practice forgiveness, listening, giving advice, holding our tongue-and all without parental supervision. We lose friends for various reasons, good and bad, and we reconnect with some we never valued properly. For many of us, our friends become our family as relatives dwindle or become distant. For all of us, our friends help give us an identity and a place in the world.

I find myself needing a reminder that not all of us have the same learning curve. When we as friends have misunderstandings, shouldn't we take a deep breath and remind ourselves that, "Hey, this is my friend. I know this person." It's not baseball people. We get more than three strikes. Otherwise we would all be alone. Or perfect. So there it is. My friendship lesson for the week. Guess I'm still a pretty good student...or at least attentive :)

The Half Billion Price Tag

On the way to work this morning the DJ's were doing their daily "Sleazy Look At Hollywood" segment, which I of course listen to religiously. The bit that caught my attention was an update on the fourth installment of "The Pirates of the Caribbean" series. Apparently Johnny Depp is not so keen to jump back into Jack Sparrow's eyeliner and dredlocks, but said sure, why not-for $550 million. HA HA HA said the devilish Sparrow on his shoulder, THEY'LL NEVER GIVE IN TO THAT RIDICULOUS DEMAND.

HA HA HA said Disney. HALF A BILLION DOLLARS? YOU GOT IT!

That's right. The world's most favorite pirate will return to the silver screen for the bargain price of $550 million dollars. Which is absolutely ridiculous, of course, but when you're Disney I suppose there is no price tag too high. Just out of curiosity I Googled $550 million dollars to get a better idea of its worth (because I can't even comprehend what I would do with $550 million). Here are some of the results:

• MySpace sold for half a billion dollars in 2006
• So did Facebook.
• It cost $500 million to make Spiderman 3...the ENTIRE movie.
• According to one article, half a billion will buy you 1,500 houses, 83,000 pairs of diamond earrings, 200,000 flatscreen tv's, 23 million toasters, or 179 million Big Macs.
• The Rolling Stones grossed $500 million from their concert tour in 2007...a concert tour that spanned TWO YEARS.
• Aaron Spelling's ENTIRE ESTATE was estimated at half a billion.
• The 2008 presidential nominees raised a combined $500 million in 2007 in campaign funds.
• The four Seminole tribe casinos in Florida bring in a combined half billion each year.
• Grand Theft Auto IV sold $500 million in it's first week.

Who says we're in a recession?! Let's all go work for Disney, since they obviously have moolah to spare. And congratulations, Mr. Depp, I admire the balls it takes to even throw that kind of number out there. Now, if I could only figure out what the taxes on that would be...

How Can I Keep From Singing?

Today was my first Sunday actually singing in the choir at church (I missed the first Sunday because I was visiting my brother's family in Kansas). Of all the good things that have happened over the last month or so, this was sort of the culmination. The service was inspiring, the singing was beautiful, and even though I had to get up at 6 am-that's SIX IN THE MORNING BEFORE THE SUN RISES AND NORMAL HAPPY PEOPLE SHOULD NEVER HAVE TO SEE THAT HOUR OF THE DAY (ahem, I'm not complaining)-to be ready, I felt sunshiney and glowey all day (especially after my nap). I hated the chore of singing in chapel in college, but that's because I was there by demand and not choice. This was not a chore but a joy. I've been given a great deal in my life, not least of which is a second chance at making my life what I want it to be. The least I can do is give a little back. I can't tithe yet (I'm still in the red financially speaking), but I have one thing I can give back to God/the universe/whatever you want to call it and that's my voice. So when we sang this song today, I felt like we were singing the anthem of my life. The recording that follows was sent to me by a fellow choir member. It's from The Prairie Home Companion, and the singer is Martin Sheen-yes, that Martin Sheen. Forward the sound to 82:30 to hear him sing these great lyrics:

How Can I Keep From Singing?
Traditional Shaker Hymn

My life flows on in endless song
Above earth's lamentation,
I hear the real, though far-off hymn
That hails a new creation.

Through all the tumult and the strife
I hear the music ringing,
It sounds an echo in my soul.
How can I keep from singing?

What though the tempest 'round me roars,
I hear the truth it liveth.
But though the darkness 'round me close,
Songs in the night it giveth.

No storm can shake my inmost calm
While to that rock I'm clinging.
Since love is lord of heaven and earth,
How can I keep from singing?

When tyrants tremble sick with fear
And hear their death knells ringing,
When friends rejoice both far and near
How can I keep from singing?

To prison cell and dungeon vile
Our thoughts to them are winging,
When friends by shame are undefiled
How can I keep from singing?

No storm can shake my inmost calm
While to that rock I'm clinging.
Since love is lord of heaven and earth,
how can I keep from singing?

Update!!!

Oh my goodness, friends, since September life has been an absolute whirlwind! There is so much to catch you up on, so here are my last two months at a glance:

• "I Love You, You're Perfect, Now Change" opened, ran, and closed in Lewisville to near sold-out audiences. We transferred the show to Garland last weekend for a one-night-only fundraiser and have now retired, at least for the moment. Great show, great cast, great fun-but lots more happening, like...
• Philip and I completed the first two races of our four race commitment, the Addison Oktoberfest 5K and the Lake Joe Pool Pumpkinfest 10K. Philip beat me in both races, by a mere 7 seconds in the first race and a good 4 or 5 minutes in the second. However, I finished 3rd in my age group at the 10K (but Philip keeps reminding me that he "is in a VERY COMPETITIVE AGE GROUP!"). We are now gearing up for our 15K in Grapevine, which is a trail run. That means new training techniques and new shoes. Woo hoo!
• I finally went to Philip's church, Unity Church of Dallas, and loved it! I decided to join the choir, which I have, which led to...
• A new job!!! Last week I hung up my bar key and retired from Chili's to become a full-time employee of...Microsoft. That's right, folks. I work at Microsoft. Technically I'm employed by CompConTech, which is a vendor of Microsoft, but I work in the Microsoft offices in Las Colinas as a Duty Manager (basically I route software problems from the customer service representative to the properly trained engineer). I work 4 day weeks (Mon, Tues, Thurs, Fri) from 9am-7pm. So far I love it, and the fact that I get salary, benefits, and PTO is a major part of that.
• I met someone. Infamous last words, right? I met a guy who is funny, charming, smart (he understands my SAT vocabulary!), employed (this becomes surprisingly important as I get older), sweet, and he thinks I'm wonderful. Which was the first wonderful thing about him. Many many wonderful qualities have followed, and I'm hoping that my first instinct (that this guy is the kind of guy-hell, THE guy-I should have been dating all along) continues to be proven right. I'm a little terrified because this guy is so amazing and we click so well that I'm just waiting for the ball to drop...then I remember that if that's all I think about then eventually it will drop. So I concentrate on all the goodness that is happening and, well, let's just say I'm glowing :)
• My nephew Jack (who needs some pictures on here, I know, Alicia! I've been so busy with everything else that I'm constantly playing catchup right now!) is 5 months old. He is wickedly close to crawling, is eating rice cereal and sweet potatoes in addition to the breast milk, and his little personality is absolutely adorable. He laughs from deep in his belly, and a smile is never far from his face (although he hates the car and wails from the second you get him in the car seat. Oh well, no one is perfect.).

That's it in a nutshell. Not a very small nutshell, but you get the picture. Keep an eye out for lots of pictures in the near future, and start looking for me to be in touch, because now I have free time and can't wait to catch up with all my friends who have been sadly abandoned due to my over-loaded schedule. Can't wait to see you all...!

The Commitment

One of my New Year's Resolutions this year was to run a marathon. Well, that was pretty ambitious since I could barely run two miles outside in January. As the year has progressed, I've become more and more determined to do the thing...so I ammended the resolution to a half marathon, and today I finally committed. My friend Philip and I have been encouraging each other to push ourselves physically, and in passing conversation I kept telling him, "I'm going to run the White Rock Half Marathon, you should train with me." In the last two months he seemed to start taking it seriously, we both upped our mileage and our weight loss, and today we registered for four races, culminating in the White Rock Half Marathon. So here goes nothing, friends, there's no turning back now!

PS-I think this is the first New Year's Resolution I've ever even attempted to keep. This could be the start of something really good :)

Sigh

Sigh...what a long day at work. Today it was beyond miserable. I did the work of two managers for $2.00 an hour. My lunch consisted of one chicken finger and a handful of fries-pretty much shoved into my mouth all together while I ran up and down the line in the kitchen traying up food and taking To Go orders. When it was my turn to be busy on the floor, everyone else had completely disappeared. Typical.

Sigh...and sniffle. It's been a terrible day, but mom remembered that I requested spaghetti and meatballs for dinner. So I cry. The shower seems like a good refuge, so I escape for thirty minutes with an audio book and the hot steam. And cry some more. No use keeping it in.

Sigh...relax the vocal chords. Tonight begins tech week for my show, which opens on Friday. A twenty minute warmup begins the healing process. The familiar exercises ease much of the tension I feel. My voice finds its center, and so do I.

Sigh...a breath of relief. Rehearsal goes off without a (major) hitch. All the energy I was putting into being miserable I channel into a focused (more or less) performance. It's not perfect, but it's good, so I'll take it. Plus, I get to spend three hours with very charming, funny, talented people whom I like a great deal. They seem to like me, too, which is always a bonus. I thank my lucky stars that I have such an outlet for my emotions.

Sigh...the day is finally over. One more Monday down. One more miserable day at work over. It occurs to me that for at least a month now my Mondays have been wretched, but the closer I get to Friday the lighter my heart is. I don't like being that way. I miss liking my job. I miss enjoying what I do on a daily basis, rather than counting the hours until I'm free of that prison.

Sigh...and try again tomorrow.

Daddy's Little Girl

I love my father. He's been THE man in my life...for my entire life. He treats me better than any boyfriend I've ever had, which is why I'm still single-he's set the bar pretty high. I've spent most of my life trying to figure out exactly how I feel about my dad for so many reasons...I inherited his personality and drive, which often leads us to clash; I hero-worship him, so every time I feel I've failed myself, I feel I've disappointed him more; I admire and strive to duplicate his successes, but because I also inherited his streak of independence I want to do it on my own in my own way. In many ways I'm the "son" in the family...my brother has my mother's personality through and through. I was always the better student, the more driven sibling, the more outspoken child, the one of whom the family always expected the most. And like the prodigal son I've returned home begging for help and mercy.

Daddy has never tried to make me feel any of this...most of it is of my own creation, a reflection of my own fears and insecurities. In fact, he has never ever put me down. He has only continued to offer help and support in every way he can. When I moved home despondent because I didn't know what I wanted to do with the rest of my life, he simply looked at me and said, "Nikki, whatever you do, make sure you do it because it makes you happy. Make sure you are passionate about it. No amount of money can ever replace leading a passionate and happy life." It is the advice I have been trying to follow for the last year.

Tonight my father offered (not for the first time!) to help me find a job in his industry. Not to get it for me, but to be my compass in the search for my new path. This offer, in the past, has been met with protests (some of them quite rude, in retrospect), tears, defenses, and ultimately rejection. Remember, I want to do it my way!

Tonight I accepted. Tonight I begin to understand that being daddy's little girl means that maybe he knows me better than myself sometimes. Maybe it means he has confidence in me. Maybe it means he doesn't necessarily want to control my every move, but maybe-just maybe-he wants to give me a push with the understanding that in the end, only I can make or break the deal. One thing I know-it means he loves me enough to never give up on me.

Lucky Me

I love being a part of something bigger, greater, and infinitely more important than just myself alone. I just started rehearsals for a remount of a show I did last year, and OH MY GOD it is just amazing to be back in the theatre with familiar people. I don't know how I got so lucky to be paired up with Philip, Stephen and Courtney, but thank God for Alan Hanna who somehow knew our chemistry would be not just ideal but outright HYSTERICAL. We have not gotten through a single rehearsal without completely cracking each other up. Not only that, we have become more supportive of each other, which has given us the safe place to explore each character even further. Theatre people will tell you-this kind of enjoyable camaraderie is all too rare, and those of us who get to experience it never want it to end.

This is particularly exciting for me for a couple of reasons. First, this show holds a special place in my heart because it helped get me up out of the blues and back into a real life (one that included smiles, laughter, and friends-old and new). Second, I came out of it with several new and indespensable friends. Philip in particular has become one of the best and most loyal friends I could ever ask for (which is funny, because we DID NOT get along at all for the first month or so...which is probably a blog in itself). Third, these people think I'm funny and a pretty good singer/actress. I mean, I think I'm pretty good, too, but I also know when I suck and how hard I've had to work to get to this point. On top of that, I'm never really sure if I'm funny...I tend to think people are laughing AT me, not WITH me (which is a fine but important point in comedy...and life). But NOOO, they think I'm actually FUNNY as in ha ha ha you have a good sense of humor and timing. So hey-kudos to me!

Finally, this is the first time I've really conciously let myself be bare and exposed (emotionally) on stage. The first time around my emotions were right on the surface anyway, so it just kinda happened. This time I'm in a better place in my life, a little more balanced and way more in tune with myself. What all this means in actor-speak is that I actually have to access those emotional highs and lows rather than just let them happen because I'm already an emotional wreck. It's a little scary to throw out a gesture or voice that you think is funny or dramatic and know that it could just flop and fail quicker than the blink of an eye. Which has happened. And guess what? The world didn't end, I didn't get replaced in the show, and no one judged me. Turns out they were too worried about what they were doing to notice that I looked stupid. They only noticed when I actually made them laugh or cry. Hmmm, maybe there's a good lesson in that....

When God Speaks...

...He often does so through the most unexpected voices, and in the most unusual places. Here I am, feeling sorry for myself because I may actually have to do something about my teensey problems, and I post a mood update on MySpace. I say I need a hug...and a few hours later in my inbox I find a little note from a friend I haven't heard from in months. "Consider this a hug." This is not someone I speak to often or intimately. This is not a person I would necessarily turn to in a crisis. This is not even someone who lives in the same state as me. Yet they heard my cry, and those four words lightened my load so much!

Then I say that I must make some sacrifices to move forward. Again, hours later, from yet another friend who I only talk to occasionally, I receive a message of encouragement. She tells me how she has always admired my strength, has always looked up to me, and she knows that no matter what obstacle is in my way I will succeed. The words I had prayed to hear coming from the most unexpected person in the most unexpected place.

He speaks. We just have to listen.

Sacrifice

Tonight I made a huge decision.

I have been unhappy for some time now, for many reasons. I'm not making near enough money, especially for what I am capable of making. My job is taking more and more out of me everyday, mostly because I want to be there less and less. I am performing a lot (which makes me happy), but because of my rehearsal/work schedule I have little time for friends and no time for me (which makes me miserable).

Something's gotta give. That something is theatre.

The thing that keeps me sane, the thing I love above all others, and the thing that gives me (strange as it may seem) an identity is what I am going to give up, at least for the rest of the year, so that I can maybe achieve some balance in the rest of my life. I need a new job, and I need time to find it. I need to be flexible with my schedule (which theatre rehearsals do not allow). I need to save money and MOVE OUT-I am going crazy with just a bedroom to call my own. I hate that my sanctuary is also my office, my living room, and my storage space.

I'm not sure I know who I am without actively pursuing another role to play. Theatre has been such a staple of my life it's become a sixth food group. Some days the only thing that makes going to work bearable is the thought that in the evening or on that weekend I will be with people who will understand, accept, and love me. I will be able to inhabit someone else's life and interpret it as only I can for a few hours, then gratefully morph back into me (perhaps even learning something along the way...). The best friends I have ever made have all been from experiences in theatre or music. When I say I am giving up theatre until I have fixed the mess that is my life, I feel like I am giving up all of those other things, too.

Yet I say this with a sense of relief. All along I knew I would have to sacrifice something to pay for the choices I made in the past (which is what led me to this predicament in the first place), and I am grateful that I can at least identify the sacrifice. I am grateful that because I love it so, I cannot and will not sacrifice it for good. I will be motivated to make the changes necessary. When I chose not to make theatre my job, I relegated it to the realm of "hobby", and a hobby is something you do in your free time. Right now my free time needs to be dedicated to other pursuits. So I am grateful that I am sacrificing something that I know I can never give up for good.

Tonight begins the countdown. No more auditions (I'm giving up my first one TOMORROW-a show I really really want to do, but I have to FOCUS), no more applause for accomplishments, no more cast parties, and no more excuses. It's time to move forward.