Sacrifice

Tonight I made a huge decision.

I have been unhappy for some time now, for many reasons. I'm not making near enough money, especially for what I am capable of making. My job is taking more and more out of me everyday, mostly because I want to be there less and less. I am performing a lot (which makes me happy), but because of my rehearsal/work schedule I have little time for friends and no time for me (which makes me miserable).

Something's gotta give. That something is theatre.

The thing that keeps me sane, the thing I love above all others, and the thing that gives me (strange as it may seem) an identity is what I am going to give up, at least for the rest of the year, so that I can maybe achieve some balance in the rest of my life. I need a new job, and I need time to find it. I need to be flexible with my schedule (which theatre rehearsals do not allow). I need to save money and MOVE OUT-I am going crazy with just a bedroom to call my own. I hate that my sanctuary is also my office, my living room, and my storage space.

I'm not sure I know who I am without actively pursuing another role to play. Theatre has been such a staple of my life it's become a sixth food group. Some days the only thing that makes going to work bearable is the thought that in the evening or on that weekend I will be with people who will understand, accept, and love me. I will be able to inhabit someone else's life and interpret it as only I can for a few hours, then gratefully morph back into me (perhaps even learning something along the way...). The best friends I have ever made have all been from experiences in theatre or music. When I say I am giving up theatre until I have fixed the mess that is my life, I feel like I am giving up all of those other things, too.

Yet I say this with a sense of relief. All along I knew I would have to sacrifice something to pay for the choices I made in the past (which is what led me to this predicament in the first place), and I am grateful that I can at least identify the sacrifice. I am grateful that because I love it so, I cannot and will not sacrifice it for good. I will be motivated to make the changes necessary. When I chose not to make theatre my job, I relegated it to the realm of "hobby", and a hobby is something you do in your free time. Right now my free time needs to be dedicated to other pursuits. So I am grateful that I am sacrificing something that I know I can never give up for good.

Tonight begins the countdown. No more auditions (I'm giving up my first one TOMORROW-a show I really really want to do, but I have to FOCUS), no more applause for accomplishments, no more cast parties, and no more excuses. It's time to move forward.