The Commitment

One of my New Year's Resolutions this year was to run a marathon. Well, that was pretty ambitious since I could barely run two miles outside in January. As the year has progressed, I've become more and more determined to do the thing...so I ammended the resolution to a half marathon, and today I finally committed. My friend Philip and I have been encouraging each other to push ourselves physically, and in passing conversation I kept telling him, "I'm going to run the White Rock Half Marathon, you should train with me." In the last two months he seemed to start taking it seriously, we both upped our mileage and our weight loss, and today we registered for four races, culminating in the White Rock Half Marathon. So here goes nothing, friends, there's no turning back now!

PS-I think this is the first New Year's Resolution I've ever even attempted to keep. This could be the start of something really good :)

Sigh

Sigh...what a long day at work. Today it was beyond miserable. I did the work of two managers for $2.00 an hour. My lunch consisted of one chicken finger and a handful of fries-pretty much shoved into my mouth all together while I ran up and down the line in the kitchen traying up food and taking To Go orders. When it was my turn to be busy on the floor, everyone else had completely disappeared. Typical.

Sigh...and sniffle. It's been a terrible day, but mom remembered that I requested spaghetti and meatballs for dinner. So I cry. The shower seems like a good refuge, so I escape for thirty minutes with an audio book and the hot steam. And cry some more. No use keeping it in.

Sigh...relax the vocal chords. Tonight begins tech week for my show, which opens on Friday. A twenty minute warmup begins the healing process. The familiar exercises ease much of the tension I feel. My voice finds its center, and so do I.

Sigh...a breath of relief. Rehearsal goes off without a (major) hitch. All the energy I was putting into being miserable I channel into a focused (more or less) performance. It's not perfect, but it's good, so I'll take it. Plus, I get to spend three hours with very charming, funny, talented people whom I like a great deal. They seem to like me, too, which is always a bonus. I thank my lucky stars that I have such an outlet for my emotions.

Sigh...the day is finally over. One more Monday down. One more miserable day at work over. It occurs to me that for at least a month now my Mondays have been wretched, but the closer I get to Friday the lighter my heart is. I don't like being that way. I miss liking my job. I miss enjoying what I do on a daily basis, rather than counting the hours until I'm free of that prison.

Sigh...and try again tomorrow.

Daddy's Little Girl

I love my father. He's been THE man in my life...for my entire life. He treats me better than any boyfriend I've ever had, which is why I'm still single-he's set the bar pretty high. I've spent most of my life trying to figure out exactly how I feel about my dad for so many reasons...I inherited his personality and drive, which often leads us to clash; I hero-worship him, so every time I feel I've failed myself, I feel I've disappointed him more; I admire and strive to duplicate his successes, but because I also inherited his streak of independence I want to do it on my own in my own way. In many ways I'm the "son" in the family...my brother has my mother's personality through and through. I was always the better student, the more driven sibling, the more outspoken child, the one of whom the family always expected the most. And like the prodigal son I've returned home begging for help and mercy.

Daddy has never tried to make me feel any of this...most of it is of my own creation, a reflection of my own fears and insecurities. In fact, he has never ever put me down. He has only continued to offer help and support in every way he can. When I moved home despondent because I didn't know what I wanted to do with the rest of my life, he simply looked at me and said, "Nikki, whatever you do, make sure you do it because it makes you happy. Make sure you are passionate about it. No amount of money can ever replace leading a passionate and happy life." It is the advice I have been trying to follow for the last year.

Tonight my father offered (not for the first time!) to help me find a job in his industry. Not to get it for me, but to be my compass in the search for my new path. This offer, in the past, has been met with protests (some of them quite rude, in retrospect), tears, defenses, and ultimately rejection. Remember, I want to do it my way!

Tonight I accepted. Tonight I begin to understand that being daddy's little girl means that maybe he knows me better than myself sometimes. Maybe it means he has confidence in me. Maybe it means he doesn't necessarily want to control my every move, but maybe-just maybe-he wants to give me a push with the understanding that in the end, only I can make or break the deal. One thing I know-it means he loves me enough to never give up on me.

Lucky Me

I love being a part of something bigger, greater, and infinitely more important than just myself alone. I just started rehearsals for a remount of a show I did last year, and OH MY GOD it is just amazing to be back in the theatre with familiar people. I don't know how I got so lucky to be paired up with Philip, Stephen and Courtney, but thank God for Alan Hanna who somehow knew our chemistry would be not just ideal but outright HYSTERICAL. We have not gotten through a single rehearsal without completely cracking each other up. Not only that, we have become more supportive of each other, which has given us the safe place to explore each character even further. Theatre people will tell you-this kind of enjoyable camaraderie is all too rare, and those of us who get to experience it never want it to end.

This is particularly exciting for me for a couple of reasons. First, this show holds a special place in my heart because it helped get me up out of the blues and back into a real life (one that included smiles, laughter, and friends-old and new). Second, I came out of it with several new and indespensable friends. Philip in particular has become one of the best and most loyal friends I could ever ask for (which is funny, because we DID NOT get along at all for the first month or so...which is probably a blog in itself). Third, these people think I'm funny and a pretty good singer/actress. I mean, I think I'm pretty good, too, but I also know when I suck and how hard I've had to work to get to this point. On top of that, I'm never really sure if I'm funny...I tend to think people are laughing AT me, not WITH me (which is a fine but important point in comedy...and life). But NOOO, they think I'm actually FUNNY as in ha ha ha you have a good sense of humor and timing. So hey-kudos to me!

Finally, this is the first time I've really conciously let myself be bare and exposed (emotionally) on stage. The first time around my emotions were right on the surface anyway, so it just kinda happened. This time I'm in a better place in my life, a little more balanced and way more in tune with myself. What all this means in actor-speak is that I actually have to access those emotional highs and lows rather than just let them happen because I'm already an emotional wreck. It's a little scary to throw out a gesture or voice that you think is funny or dramatic and know that it could just flop and fail quicker than the blink of an eye. Which has happened. And guess what? The world didn't end, I didn't get replaced in the show, and no one judged me. Turns out they were too worried about what they were doing to notice that I looked stupid. They only noticed when I actually made them laugh or cry. Hmmm, maybe there's a good lesson in that....

When God Speaks...

...He often does so through the most unexpected voices, and in the most unusual places. Here I am, feeling sorry for myself because I may actually have to do something about my teensey problems, and I post a mood update on MySpace. I say I need a hug...and a few hours later in my inbox I find a little note from a friend I haven't heard from in months. "Consider this a hug." This is not someone I speak to often or intimately. This is not a person I would necessarily turn to in a crisis. This is not even someone who lives in the same state as me. Yet they heard my cry, and those four words lightened my load so much!

Then I say that I must make some sacrifices to move forward. Again, hours later, from yet another friend who I only talk to occasionally, I receive a message of encouragement. She tells me how she has always admired my strength, has always looked up to me, and she knows that no matter what obstacle is in my way I will succeed. The words I had prayed to hear coming from the most unexpected person in the most unexpected place.

He speaks. We just have to listen.

Sacrifice

Tonight I made a huge decision.

I have been unhappy for some time now, for many reasons. I'm not making near enough money, especially for what I am capable of making. My job is taking more and more out of me everyday, mostly because I want to be there less and less. I am performing a lot (which makes me happy), but because of my rehearsal/work schedule I have little time for friends and no time for me (which makes me miserable).

Something's gotta give. That something is theatre.

The thing that keeps me sane, the thing I love above all others, and the thing that gives me (strange as it may seem) an identity is what I am going to give up, at least for the rest of the year, so that I can maybe achieve some balance in the rest of my life. I need a new job, and I need time to find it. I need to be flexible with my schedule (which theatre rehearsals do not allow). I need to save money and MOVE OUT-I am going crazy with just a bedroom to call my own. I hate that my sanctuary is also my office, my living room, and my storage space.

I'm not sure I know who I am without actively pursuing another role to play. Theatre has been such a staple of my life it's become a sixth food group. Some days the only thing that makes going to work bearable is the thought that in the evening or on that weekend I will be with people who will understand, accept, and love me. I will be able to inhabit someone else's life and interpret it as only I can for a few hours, then gratefully morph back into me (perhaps even learning something along the way...). The best friends I have ever made have all been from experiences in theatre or music. When I say I am giving up theatre until I have fixed the mess that is my life, I feel like I am giving up all of those other things, too.

Yet I say this with a sense of relief. All along I knew I would have to sacrifice something to pay for the choices I made in the past (which is what led me to this predicament in the first place), and I am grateful that I can at least identify the sacrifice. I am grateful that because I love it so, I cannot and will not sacrifice it for good. I will be motivated to make the changes necessary. When I chose not to make theatre my job, I relegated it to the realm of "hobby", and a hobby is something you do in your free time. Right now my free time needs to be dedicated to other pursuits. So I am grateful that I am sacrificing something that I know I can never give up for good.

Tonight begins the countdown. No more auditions (I'm giving up my first one TOMORROW-a show I really really want to do, but I have to FOCUS), no more applause for accomplishments, no more cast parties, and no more excuses. It's time to move forward.

A Dose Of Daily Good

I'm not a huge activist of any kind, but I do believe in helping wherever I can. A friend posted a bulletin on MySpace directing anyone who has pets or who just loves animals to the Animal Rescue Website to click on the big purple button to provide free food for animals in shelters. (These animals are often underfed or starved because the shelters are overcrowded and lack funding.) That's it! Just click with your mouse and the website will donate money for food! I have added the website to my favorites list, and everytime I sit down to check my email, my blog, my MySpace, or just to Google something, I go to the link first and click. Every click donates the equivalent of .6 bowls of food-and you can click as many times a day as you want. Has there ever been an easier way of giving?!? So for all my like-minded friends, here's the link:

http://www.theanimalrescuesite.com/clickToGive/home.faces?siteId=3

Happy Clicking!